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Grief and Gratefulness
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 5:06 pm    Post subject: Grief and Gratefulness Reply with quote

Today I laughed and cried at the same time, happy that Mommy was happy before she died, and then of course, sad that she could not continue in her happiness. I've been watching "The Secret", which was brought into my life by the friends that I've attracted into my life since Mommy's death. I believe that the reason my life has been so blessed since October 28th is my faith in the blessings surrounding that event.

Here, in no particular order, is a list of the things I am grateful for today.

* Uncle Charles' death - which took Mommy to New Jersey so she could say "good bye" to all of her remaining living siblings.

* Brett's house in Kentucky - a good stopping-off point for her in her travels.

* The health and happiness she felt at the end.

* The quick, (probably-)painless way she died.

* The support I received immediately following, from family, old friends, and new friends.

* The insurance settlement received lately - without which I could not afford to learn to dance.

* The "Healing After Loss" book Daddy found and has distributed worldwide, it seems. My friend Russ just yesterday reminded me to pick up where I'd left off when he thanked me again for his copy - he has been sharing it with others he finds grieving. To those who have a copy of this book, re-read May 1's quotation. It is how I've been living all this while. It succinctly describes "The Secret".

* The fact that so many years ago, each of you has lived in California, and encouraged me to move five years ago. I love my life here.

* My health, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I'm sure there's more. As you comment on this topic, feel free to list the things you are grateful for. I know that will help remind me of the more.

Thank you - I am grateful beyond belief to hear what you are grateful for.

_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"


Last edited by emelle on Wed Jun 13, 2007 2:16 pm; edited 1 time in total
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Mon Jun 11, 2007 11:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm grateful that I get to be on set downtown tomorrow at 5 a.m.
_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"
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JBMason
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Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 387
Location: Lexington KY

PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 6:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'd reply, but I feel pretty detached from both grief and gratefulness at this point. Don't know why. Yesterday I was looking at the Mom slideshow on Dad's website, and I had the really weird feeling that I was viewing a fictitious movie character who never truly existed.

Call me crazy.

Maybe I am a project after all.
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Dad



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 188
Location: Florida

PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 7:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am in a weird stage of grief also. I get out of the house , help at VBS, but I am still in that Isolated box. At great uncle Leroy's and Joyce's 50th wedding renewal service Sat, the pastor said any couple that have been married for a long time. that marriage becomes a love/hate relationship. He said you can't live with them and you can't live without them. Which was so true in our relationship. He said the no matter what the cost you would do for the other what they needed or wanted. I miss her very much.

Dad
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Live Free or Die trying
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rmgreen15



Joined: 29 May 2007
Posts: 40
Location: Aviano, Italy

PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 8:30 am    Post subject: Re: Grief and Gratefulness Reply with quote

emelle wrote:
As you comment on this topic, feel free to list the things you are grateful for.
i am grateful for an auntie who always answers her phone, especially when i need to just vent about nothing, cry about everything, and laugh about life. you are one of my best friends.

i am grateful for an uncle who is able to drop everything to spend time with his family (especially his favorite niece), who records all of our favorite and not-so-favorite memories, and who worked so hard to replace a last gift from my grandma. uncle brett, i love that doll, and i love you more for trying so hard- i felt really weird when i opened it, so i am truly sorry to not have given you the response maybe you were hoping for, or to have seemed any way ungrateful.

i am grateful for a grandpa who has given me something wonderful to aspire to in my career, who never forgets to love and care in the midst of grief, and who constantly demonstrates amazing generosity. you are my role model and a very important component in my life.

i am grateful for a mother who is proud of my accomplishments, who has devoted so much of her life to give me joy in mine, and who keeps me motivated. you are the reason i am, and there is no greater gift than that.

i am grateful for having a grandma that loved me with the intensity and devotion that she did. i am grateful to have known her for so long, but i grieve that i could not know her longer. i miss you, grandma.

and i am continuously grateful for so much more...

p.s. uncle brett, you are NOT crazy.
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netgeek64



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 116
Location: Fairbanks, AK

PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i've been fine for a very long time - until i just read rachel's post.

now i'm crying. it'll stop, but not yet.
_________________
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Mommy's favorite Bible verse)
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rmgreen15



Joined: 29 May 2007
Posts: 40
Location: Aviano, Italy

PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 6:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

netgeek64 wrote:
now i'm crying. it'll stop, but not yet.
i'm sorry. please don't cry.
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 6:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

netgeek64 wrote:
i just read rachel's post. now i'm crying.
I feel the same. Thank you all for posting. Rachel, thank you for rejoining us and for bringing back my tears.

I knew in posting this topic that it would probably bring one or more of us back to tears, but I needed to say what I've said, and I'm glad to read what you have all offered. Please continue, whenever you need to vent or cry or express gratitude, because I for one need to know what everyone else is experiencing, since I'm so geographically removed from you all.

Brett, you are not crazy. I didn't look at the slideshow, but all the photos posted @ http://mom.lexjb.com and I felt a similar numbness, having expected to be sad again. I would like to mention here that you can also post things you're grateful for that have NOTHING to do with Mommy. Hopefully you are all grateful for other things. Sunny weather? The kid next door? Living with your father or daughter? Anything.

Today I am grateful that I had an early and therefore short/easy day on set, and that I had a fiver ready for the homeless guy on the corner on my way home. I am blessed to not be that homeless guy.

_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"


Last edited by emelle on Sat Aug 11, 2007 3:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 12, 2007 6:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

rmgreen15 wrote:
i'm sorry. please don't cry.
It's my special board and I'll cry if I want to... oh, wait, you intended that for your mom. But really, tears are a good thing, and what you posted was beautiful.
_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"


Last edited by emelle on Sat Aug 11, 2007 3:26 pm; edited 1 time in total
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 4:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Today I'm grateful that Daddy called to wake me at 9. I was tired, because I stayed up until 1 watching "Keeping Mum" and "Earth Girls are Easy" but I needed to get up, so thank you, Daddy.

I'm grateful that I'm eligible for unemployment but that working twice a week on "Mad Men" compensates more than collecting, meaning I don't collect.

I'm grateful to have days off from personal assisting.

I'm grateful to have time to take a nap today. I'm grateful to have time to take a dance lesson today. I'm grateful to be graduating from "Foundation" to "Bronze I" level of ballroom dance today. I told my instructor, who I love, because he reminds me of a young Brett, and his instructor, a teddy bear of a man, about this forum and the things we have posted, and they both cried with me over our loss, and hugged me for honoring Mommy in this way. I'm grateful to be able to keep my promise to myself to make THIS the year I learn to dance!

I'm grateful to have had free ice cream and coffee today (okay, I didn't actually get coffee, I got a tangerine-tea frappucino).

I'm grateful for this forum. Thank you, Brett.

_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"
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Dad



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 188
Location: Florida

PostPosted: Wed Jun 13, 2007 8:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am grateful that vacation bible school is almost over. On the positive side I have 2 isolated, obviously unloved at home kids. The boy has opened up as if I were someone he could kid with and trust. The girl has a look about her of being abused. She wouldn't sing, she rarely spoke and always in soft tones. she smiled at me today.

I am also very grateful for the VA. I have Doctors who care, especially my Psychiatrist and my Therapist.

I am grateful to have 3 brilliant kids and a brilliant grand daughter all of whom are college graduates.

I am grateful that Cheryl lives with me and keeps me from being alone and keeping list for me so I dont forget
_________________
The hardest thing to learn is:
Which bridge to cross and which to burn.
Live Free or Die trying
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Dad



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 188
Location: Florida

PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 3:43 pm    Post subject: Gratefull Reply with quote

Woke up after a good night sleep. No pain, good spirits. Visited my shrink (new, 5th one so far) Seems very nice. I will be going to a memory clinic in Orlando some time soon, so maybe I can remember where I put my glasses.
I am so grateful that I had to go under my desk for some rewiring because I found my original Bluetooth which is so my better than its replacement. I just saved ML $1200 on her upcoming lasix surgery, so I am grateful that I could help. Will tell you about my last night at VBS later.
Russian Proverb" If you wake up in the morning with no pain, then you are dead".
Reread my first line

Dad
_________________
The hardest thing to learn is:
Which bridge to cross and which to burn.
Live Free or Die trying
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Dad



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 188
Location: Florida

PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 8:25 pm    Post subject: VBS Reply with quote

I walked into the parking lot and looked to heaven and said Thank you GOD for not making me kill the little SOB's
_________________
The hardest thing to learn is:
Which bridge to cross and which to burn.
Live Free or Die trying
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JBMason
Site Admin


Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 387
Location: Lexington KY

PostPosted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Progress report on the crazy Uncle Brett:
still not grateful (or grieving) today

Check back later.
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Today I'm grateful that Daddy didn't kill the little SOB's.

And that Brett is still not grieving.

And that I had a 10.4 hour day on set with the one incident being a minor cut on the scalp of our lead actor - he got 2 cm in stitches but the muscle was intact and the doc said he could return to work tomorrow. We only lost about 15 minutes of work while the production regrouped (all the scenes scheduled today involved him, so now if he does in fact return tomorrow, we'll shoot those tomorrow)!

I'm grateful that I get to be on set again tomorrow, and probably Monday, and I can continue putting off personal assisting.

I'm grateful for Cheryl's avatar - it makes me laugh, and I like to laugh.

I'm still very grateful for this forum. Please find a way to keep it, Brett.

I'm grateful that Rene' has found his way to forgiveness of his ex.

I'm grateful for the perfect vision I'll have by Christmas.

_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"
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JBMason
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Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 387
Location: Lexington KY

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm grateful that the wire-transfer made it possible for me to raise my rates and not worry if I lose a client as a result of raising my rates. (Before the influx, I felt kinda trapped by the hourly rate I had already set.)

Also, I am grateful to have a completely open calendar as my 37th birthday approaches. I would like to plan some big trips, if I can find a big-trip companion. (Dad?)

Finally, I'm grateful that no spammers have invaded my memberlist since I blocked new registrations.
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JBMason
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Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 387
Location: Lexington KY

PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 2:44 pm    Post subject: Re: Grief and Gratefulness Reply with quote

rmgreen15 wrote:
uncle brett, i love that doll, and i love you more for trying so hard- i felt really weird when i opened it, so i am truly sorry to not have given you the response maybe you were hoping for, or to have seemed any way ungrateful.
Am going back in time a little ways, in order to comment on what Rachel said on June 12th...

(1) I suppose I somehow gave you the impression that I was disappointed with your first reaction to the doll, but I want you to know that I had no expectations of a huge emotional response to this gift, honestly! The main goal for me was to deliver it and get some closure on the Christmas quest. Neither an enthusiastic smile nor a mental breakdown were required to achieve my closure.

(2) The one person who deserves lots of recognition is hloaroo, since she did all the eBay legwork for me: see http://talk.lexjb.com/memberlist.php

with love to all y'all
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 1:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm grateful to have had a 13 hour day on set today... and to be working tomorrow on an AFB even tho my call time is less than 7 hours from now... and that Brett has located his gratefulness... and that my Arthur Murray payment went through without an over-limit fee (MILES! Woo Hoo!)... and that I was well-fed yesterday and today and have great leftovers in my fridge... and that I can put off personal assisting until Sunday... and that I'm back on Mad Men on Monday... and that I've worked so much lately the unemployment office thinks I've closed my claim... and that Daddy didn't have to kill the big SOB's (you know who I mean, Daddy)... and that my dance lessons don't EXPIRE when I work too much to get into the studio... and that the cat can't pee on my bathmat again because I've been given the cure of that.

I've had a wonderful week and a beautiful day and I'm so blessed. Thank you all, dear readers, for allowing me to express my gratitude, and for expressing yours.

_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"
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rmgreen15



Joined: 29 May 2007
Posts: 40
Location: Aviano, Italy

PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 10:04 am    Post subject: Re: Grief and Gratefulness Reply with quote

JBMason wrote:
(2) The one person who deserves lots of recognition is hloaroo, since she did all the eBay legwork for me: see http://talk.lexjb.com/memberlist.php
Thank you Heather!

...and since i promised auntie that i would post this:

i am grateful to have found not only anchovie stuffed olives, but feta stuffed olives as well in a local grocery store and can therefore indulge in them whenever i darn-well have the craving!

i am also grateful that the co-worker who writes the schedule in the department i am in now, is adament about giving me some weekends off before i transfer up to nursing, without requesting them, since i have worked weekends for two years now.

i am grateful that because of above fact, i get to see one of my better friends from nursing school, marry the love of her life today, in a beautiful church in pensacola.

i am grateful that i didn't go through with my friday wedding as originally planned for yesterday (only some of you will get that- and no, not with jesse).

that's enough gratefulness for now, although that doesn't mean that is all i'm grateful for!
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Dad



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 188
Location: Florida

PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 2:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just got back from the VA in Gainesville, home of the Gators and the dumbest college students on earth. I don't think that 80% of them could complete a sentence. I am grateful that it is not my job to kill dumb people, because there isn't enough ammo in the world. I slept well, still didn't watch TV and am still dry, even though I met up with my old RN friend Jason, a way back drinking buddy. He is applying at Fla Apopka so he maybe moving back. Now I will have 2 friends.
Jason asked if I passed the Psychiatric exam today, and I asked him if he thought I had ever passed one and he laughed.

Daddy
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The hardest thing to learn is:
Which bridge to cross and which to burn.
Live Free or Die trying
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 2:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am grateful for the short, easy day I had today on an AFTRA set, where I didn't have to relinquish my wages as previously anticipated (I thought I was an AFTRA "must-join" based on the work I did on "Bernie Mac" all those years ago)... I now have the next 30 days to work as much AFTRA as I can (while everything's on hiatus - greeeaaaaat) before I DO become a "must-join"... I'm grateful that I get to take a nap when I get offline in the next few minutes. I'm grateful that I'll have time to hit the dance studio this afternoon before I catch up with Rene' this evening. I'm grateful for the paychecks that will be filling my mailbox while I nap.

I'm grateful that I still have free coffee and ice cream available to me when I make my way over to Starbucks and Cold Stone...

_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"
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netgeek64



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 116
Location: Fairbanks, AK

PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2007 5:29 pm    Post subject: Re: Grief and Gratefulness Reply with quote

rmgreen15 wrote:
i am grateful that i didn't go through with my friday wedding as originally planned for yesterday (only some of you will get that- and no, not with jesse).
oh my gosh - was it june 15, 2007 already? i think your life is better now, anyway. he wasn't worthy of you. as a friend maybe, but not as a life mate. of course, i may be biased!
_________________
Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Mommy's favorite Bible verse)
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2007 12:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm grateful Rachel didn't marry whoever that was she made the pact with however long ago. I'm grateful I get a day off studio work tomorrow (do you believe I could be grateful for that, folks? I'm beat, but in a really good way) and get to pay someone else's bills, buy some groceries, and squeeze in a dance lesson while the world celebrates Daddies. I'm grateful to have (and to have always had) MY DADDY. I'm grateful you guys keep reading my gratitude and posting your own, because this is now classified as a "popular" topic!

I'm grateful we're all so different, and that our interests are so varied, because that's what keeps all of these forums so fascinating (at least to me)! Thank you, all of you, for your continued support for, and admiration of, the silly job I do so far away from you. It's the life I've chosen and I love it, but it makes me happy that you guys think it's cool when so many out in the world would not support their daughter/sister/auntie in following her bliss. I love you.

_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"
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Dad



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 188
Location: Florida

PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2007 1:05 pm    Post subject: Fathers Day Reply with quote

I am quite grateful the my oldest daughter lives here with me in the country. I am also glad she took me to Japanese restaurant, Like BeniHana's in Miami. food is cooked at the table and you use chop sticks. We sat at a table with a very nice family who had a very well behaved 3 year old. I am grateful that I am still dry and have discovered Walmart's brand of sugar free punch flavored additive, because now I drink my 8 glasses of water each day. As a father and grandfather I am grateful that we are bonded so closely.
_________________
The hardest thing to learn is:
Which bridge to cross and which to burn.
Live Free or Die trying
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emelle



Joined: 27 May 2007
Posts: 463
Location: Hollywood, BABY!

PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2007 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JBMason wrote:
I would like to plan some big trips, if I can find a big-trip companion. (Dad?)
I'm grateful that Brett wants to travel... maybe to visit me? Maybe to dance with me at my local Arthur Murray studio?

I'm grateful tonight to be reminded to drive safely, even in stupid parking lots... and I'm grateful the paint we exchanged was considered too minor to open an insurance claim. The universe seems to be telling me to take the CHP's motorcycle safety course. I take that, it makes me a better driver all the time, right? Thank you, universe.

I'm grateful to be back on set tomorrow; time to set the women (I assist when not on set) to fighting over me! MROWR! I'm grateful no one fought Cathy over my time today; I'm grateful Cathy is a single mom - no Father in the house to celebrate (instead, she and the kids are going to see "Wicked" tonight).

I'm grateful Rene's older daughter came home this weekend and has devoted her whole weekend to him, not just today. I hope Daddy's older daughter was able to fill the gap left by the two others further away. Wink

I'm grateful I can finish posting this quickly - Miles is begging for some petting/brushing/in the lap attention.

_________________
"What shall we do today, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every day, Pinky... try to take over the world!"


Last edited by emelle on Sat Aug 11, 2007 3:44 pm; edited 1 time in total
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